Of Fathers And Sons. (Short Story).

Father’s Day came and went he thought with no particular thought that the day was worth remembering in the first place; but was that true, Ryan? It was true enough for the moment he rebuked back, he got what he wanted and that was Ryan no longer part of his life; he gave the old man what he wanted didn’t he? He simply stopped talking to the man and simply blocked him from calling him or any other method for getting a hold of him. Ryan walked away and didn’t look back too often? Well, he tried he had to admit to not look back or think about the reasons why he finally cut the man off permantly it took three times but it finally held. But still, another Father’s Day had come and it was gone. Let it stay gone! Thing was it was a long time coming before he got to the point where he simply cut the man out of his life; it didn’t happen over night. When was the last time he saw or had anything to do with the man? The old man would be eighty this year if he reached his next birthday in November; actually November 9 and it was some months away. He wished him the best when he got to that age as he didn’t like the bitterness or maybe anger he felt at times. But when was the last time he saw the man in the flesh?

Ten years ago? He had to think about it a bit as he continued his walk around Lake Como; Penny the mini-schnauzer trotted and sniff about in front of him. He would be meeting up with his friend, Anna, in a few hours to go the Minneapolis Institute of Art, aka, The MIA. But what is it, ten years since he last saw the man let spoke to the man? No, he thought, was it that long. When was the last time he was in Cocoa Beach, Florida? Seemed about right but then again it was also a long process to get to that point. And now the man was about to be eighty and wanted his children to celebrate the day Ryan had heard through the family grapevine.

“Did he ask about me, Tyler?” The pause said it all.

“Well, no, but still, Ryan, it would be nice to have you there…” Tyler replied with that hurt tone Ryan did understand.

“Tyler, I cut him off for a reason, a valid reason.” He felt the tightness in his chest as he said it, “I gave him what he wanted, he wanted me gone, so I left. You do remember what he said, ‘Ryan’s not coming back right’. I remember being told that he said it, I remember too many things, Tyler.” Of course that was just the beginning of the cracks and final collapse of their connection; the final collapse took a while. He gave the man what he wanted and so why did he feel as if he was the one in the wrong? He always felt he was in the wrong even when it was obvious he wasn’t wrong in his final action. When was that? Ten years ago, Ryan? You were visiting him in Cocoa Beach in the Summer of that year for a month; a month? It felt like a month but I think it was two weeks. He laughed at his own batter with himself. Ten years ago?

The vast Atlantic seemed calmer than he felt but then again he rarely ever felt calm around the old man; they never seemed to be able to be relaxed around each other. But at the moment Ryan was standing between the slowly moving and tossing waves of the Atlantic and the dry sand behind him of the rest of the beach. The water was calm to him. Slight waves and slight washing up the shore and back out to the Atlantic. It should have been calming but it wasn’t. The usual suspects of sea and shore birds were playing catch me if you can with the surging and flowing waves. It should have been peaceful. He watched the birds go about their lives of seeking food to avoiding the waves coming and going as they tried to find whatever there was to find. Why did the Atlantic smell differently than the Pacific he asked the birds who paid no attention to the question. He knew the sandpipers by sight; they were obvious and they seemed to have other things on their minds. But then again what does a bird know about human relationships? Let alone the relationship between fathers and sons. Not a whole lot actually.

He was visiting the old man along with his younger brother, Tyler, and his wife, Sophie, and their two kids, Julie and James; twins of course. His sister, Alex, oldest of the three, hadn’t arrived yet with her mini-version of a daughter, that would be Amanda. There would be no mom showing up; he didn’t expect her too and neither did the old man. Within ten years Tyler wasn’t married anymore and Alex was still single with Amanda doing just fine about being single; though he questioned it to himself but never to her directly. The old man’s kids were in the same place for a weekend; it was a miracle and it would be the last time. Well, the last time his kids and the old man were in the same room.

He shielded his eyes to the high noon sun of the Florida Summer; he didn’t miss Florida once he moved or left or went into his self exile for the old man. He had lived in Orlando and pretty much hated every minute of it; so he moved to St. Paul, Minnesota, all 1,736 miles away from Orlando and the old man. He noted the lone brown pelican slowly but peacefully cross his vision. He watched it gracefully go north along the beach and waves.

The young girl went by happily racing the waves as they came and went about the shore; looked about seven he guessed. Same age as Amanda he figured. She was happily enjoying the Florida weather was apparent. He observed her reactions to the waves and sand and the birds she tried to chase hoping to catch one; red hair in a tight pulled back ponytail bouncing along in her movements. He knew the writer in him was taking over again; everything must be observed and stored for future use. It was a pleasant moment and he felt self-conscious watching the happy girl but then again watching people, kid or not, enjoying life, was never a bad thing for a writer. He looked away and noted a mom stalking toward the little runaway trying to get her attention; and failing very badly as the young girl was having too much fun to pay attention to the concerned parent. He wished he had such memories of him and the old man but he didn’t. Not one good memory came to mind of such a moment as he just observed.

A son should have some memories to think and remember fondly to think about when it came to his father. There should be something to remember worth the thinking back to happier times; but there wasn’t any. Not one? He had off and on tried to remember some moment or anything would be nice but there wasn’t one that wasn’t tainted somehow? Was everything tainted? He had spent a good portion of his younger life living with the old man and it seemed that after he reached the age of thirteen maybe fourteen things seemed to change? At least it seemed to his thinking that things seemed to change between him and the old man. What happened? He never really understood any of it but something changed and it wasn’t just the normal growing of crap. No memories? Nothing worth noting? Nothing at all? He forced a smile as he observed the Atlantic Ocean again and the vastness of the open water; there be sharks in that water somewhere. Well, they do live there, Ryan.

The Atlantic breeze blew at him and the smell was not as salty to him as the Pacific; it just wasn’t.

It was what he discovered that last visit that finally sealed the final disconnection to his father. It was going to happen eventually anyway as the old man seemed to be trying to make it happen. He learned to deal with a lot of crap and a lot of being treated like some second class son. He had first cut him off upon hearing that his grandmother had accused him of denying the Holocaust! He was shocked and upset by what Tyler had told him a few years later at the bitches funeral; Ryan had no qualms about his dislike of the unpleasant woman. Let the bitch burn in hell or wherever she was because her actions caused a rift he couldn’t fix because the old man refused to hear his side of the conversation that Ryan had briefly with the bitch. That disconnection lasted a few weeks but he relented to Tyler’s plead to talk to the old man again; he wished he hadn’t but he did anyway. The bitch lied about their conversation but the old man didn’t care and that was that. But the major cracks in their relationship were to only grow bigger as time went on.

A lone jogger went by in his shorts of bright red as if to be sure he was being seen; certainly about twenty something and athletic build of someone impressed with himself. Ryan was amused by it.

The last disconnection? Sophie and him were standing in the backyard looking out across the Banana River; a few manatees swam about in the deeper channel of the river. Ryan had actually been standing there alone to escape the old man’s comments which he just seemed to have to say just in ear shot of Ryan; why? But he had stood there a bit in silent thoughts as he watched and observed the water and the few moments of manatees emerging from the brackish water. Somewhere out there he saw a small gator just floating on the surface of the still water. Such was Florida he thought. He never liked living in Florida; well, Orlando anyway.

Sophie had been standing there a few seconds before the real conversation started, “I don’t know how you deal with him as a father. I really don’t, Ryan.”

“By living as far away from him as possible, Sophie.” He remarked with a look at her, “I live in Minnesota for a reason, Sophie, it’s too cold for him to come there and bother my life.”

“Yes, well, he does like to control your brother’s life. Seems annoyed he can’t control yours….”

Ryan shrugged as habit, “Yes, well, it’s one of many reasons he has issues with me I think.”

“Is your sister, Alex, coming?” Sophie asked.

“She says she will, but I have a feeling she’ll be here one day if she can get away with it.”

“I like your sister, she doesn’t take his shit at all, it’s funny to watch his expression as she mouths off at him…” She studied the water before continuing, “Doesn’t really have much good to say about her.”

“Alex feels the same believe me.” He replied.

“Well, he has Tyler.” It was said with a tone that said much.

“Yes, he has Tyler.” It was said with his own tone.

“He thinks a lot of Tyler. Tyler can do no wrong.”

“Well, Tyler can walk on water, raise the dead, and turn water into wine, didn’t you know that, Sophie.” He didn’t like the bitter edge in his voice but it was there. “Tyler is the favorite son, he has a degree in being a lawyer of some kind. I never remember what it is.” He pointed at something he saw on the distant shore, “Is that a gator?”

“Why does your dad seem to need to put you down?” Sophie looked in the direction hoping to see a gator, “No, no, I think just a log or something….would be cool to see one though.” Repeating herself, “So, why does…why does he treat you like you’re his biggest disappointment….”

“Because I am.” Ryan spoke bluntly, “I am his greatest failure. Every thing I do is a failure and a disappointment. I always knew he thought I was a disappointment…that’s not a surprise statement, Sophie. He’s made that very clear very early on but it took a long time to really see what he meant…but he’s stuck with me, so there is that.”

What Sophie said next was why he had walked to the beach in the first place. Too cool off, too relax, too not explode. But was it really a surprise of a statement? Not really. It was just another sledgehammer blow against their barely there connection. It finally destroyed that connection and he finally had enough.

“He told me that because you were or are such a disappointment I am your replacement as a kid….” They were enterrupted by her two kids running toward them excited by something.

So there it was, he had been replaced by the man who looked him in the eyes and declared his love of his son and how he was and is always going to be there for his son. Replaced with Sophie who really didn’t think much of the old man, but still replaced by Sophie. He was no longer the old man’s middle kid? No longer obligated to even mention him as being part of the old man’s life? No longer really worth mentioning to anyone if someone asked about the old man’s kids? He was replaced? By Sophie? Who couldn’t stand him any way which was actually the funny but bitter part. Ten years later he was being asked to come to a birthday he had no intention of being part of as he was no longer connected to the man who had replaced him with someone else.

“No, Tyler, I am not going, you go and enjoy.” He coldly replied, “I gave him what he wanted, Tyler. I am no longer part of his life so he doesn’t have to admit I am his.” He hung up.

He stood at the Atlantic and tried to feel better after the long causeway walk to the beach from the old man’s house; it was a long walk and it was a good long walk. The walk did a little to ease his anger he felt and knew would grow if he didn’t do something about it and what he decided was what he should have kept to the first two times he did it. He simply disconnected himself from the old man and this time it held; ten years had passed. And hell no he wasn’t going to his latest birthday party! He stood at the beach and just soaked in the life about him. People enjoying each other and themselves and the sounds of the natural world going about it’s daily business. He knew who it was the moment he heard his phone inform him he had a text.

He watched as a father and young son walking slowly passed him observing and commenting on the ocean and the birds and laughing about something; he smiled sadly at the moment. He watched them walk with each other listening and talking and connecting with each other; he turned away feeling like crap and trying to not hate the man and headed back to the old man’s house.

It would be the last time he would see Cocoa Beach; he didn’t really miss it too much.