Purgatory. (Short Story).

He woke up yelling, feeling disorientated, the room seemed hot and claustrophobic, he glanced about the room in a cool sweat as he took stock of the moment he awoke from the nightmare. Again the same dream and the same dreadful moment. The same dream? Was it a dream? It had that dream quality to it but it always seemed to become a dreadful nightmare as time went on. He slowly caught his breath and started breathing normally as one could breath as he still felt the dreams atmosphere of unpleasantness still hung in the air. He recognized the place that he kept finding himself in as the dream began; if it was a dream as he still felt it wasn’t one at all. He kept repeating to himself that it was a dream and just only a dream and that was that. He glanced over at the radio clock, only two thirty in the morning. He sat up on the side of the bed rubbing his face and wondering why the dreams seemed so real not to mention happening at all.

And why was it taking place at the church? He sat there in the semi-darkness as the light from outside was lightly invading his bedroom. The church shouldn’t be haunted? It’s holy ground? He listened to the silence of the house; even the quiet bothered him lately. What started the strange unpleasant dreams anyway? He slowly got up and headed to the bathroom. The air felt cold he commented to himself. Everything seemed cold lately and that included certain people toward him. The church shouldn’t be haunted he again thought to himself as he turned on the bathroom light; too bright, too early in the morning, and too many things on his mind. One of those things have been the reports by a few people at the church who reported seeing what wasn’t possible in a church. He didn’t like using the word ghost because he didn’t believe in ghosts; just over-heated imaginations is all it was. But then his unpleasant dreams began. And it always started in the sanctuary of the church. And she was always there waiting for him to show up there.

Rachel Anne Richardson was always there waiting for him with a look that looked as dead as she was. It was a look of emptiness, but the smile was all wrong. Very wrong, but the dream wouldn’t let him look away and even run away. He simply found himself walking through a long hallway he knew very well and entered the sanctuary. Everything looked normal? Of course it was normal looking because it was all a dream and nothing more. It was a dream he told himself as he seemed to still be walking and walking. The hallway he was walking down was the one he had seen countless times a day. Sure it was a long spine along the length of FirstFree as it was called as the actual name was too long, First Evangelical Free Church was it’s full name. But something was wrong and even as he walked along the light brown carpet and light blue walls of the place all too familiar to him there was something wrong with it. But his walking never slowed down. His feet or something was simply making him walk down a very long hallway that wasn’t that long.

Robert studied the face in the mirror; it looked very tired because it was. In fact it looked like it hadn’t slept in a few days. He splashed some cold water on his face and wiped it away slowly. He didn’t believe in ghosts; simply imaginations having a bad day. Ghosts don’t exist. He said it several times to several people who told him of what they claimed to have seen lately; why lately? Why all of a sudden were they claiming to see someone who couldn’t have possibly been there? And who they kept reporting to see was even more impossible? She was dead and had been dead for a year. Was it a year since her death? A year? He studied the face who didn’t think it had been that long. Seemed longer he thought but it was true. The face seemed to agree with him that something just didn’t make sense about Rachel’s sudden ghostly appearance? He inhaled more annoyed than he wanted to feel about the people who claimed to have seen her.

Why her anyway? She was a problem was almost day one of her arrival at the church. Was that fair, Robert? It was a honest question to ask and he knew it. She just seemed to radiate a sense of what, unpleasantness? Was that fair, Robert? The truth was she was simply one of those kids who just made his youth ministry difficult at times. He again studied the tired features of the face staring back and wished he could understand better why he was having these strange nightmares about the girl who was gone. Long gone. Dead gone. It was a terrible thought for a youth pastor to have but the truth was she was a problem. Why would she want to haunt them anyway? She didn’t want to be there and she certainly made no hiding the fact she questioned what he was teaching. She seemed to think she knew better or something he didn’t. Why was he dreaming about her the last few days? Was it the odd reports from a few others that tricked the nightmares?

He walked out of the bathroom and contemplated trying to go back to bed, but he felt restless, on-edged, and basically annoyed with the whole thing. It actually started a few weeks ago with one of the elderly ladies and her story of seeing a young girl who just stared at her with a look she didn’t like and then walked around a corner and was gone. She told him that she recognized the girl but that was impossible as she was dead and what was she doing her anyway? It was the tone in the elderly ladies voice that bothered him if he were honest about it. The lady didn’t hang around long enough for him to really question this observation and besides Robert knew the older woman was known to be a prickly character and not particularly without an opinion on how the church should be run. Why would Rachel appear to this woman anyway? He had to think back if the two of them had some kind of confrontation he didn’t know about? The last few weeks not much on the subject was making sense. The elderly ladies last comment was too the point, “Never should have let her in the church….” That seemed to be the general opinion. Something about her just made people uncomfortable. But she was gone. Dead? She was dead!

He walked to the bedroom window and studied the church across the street. He lived in one of the houses the church owned that sat across from the church he was the senior youth pastor. It looked quiet in the building across the street. Parking lot empty. The lone street light brightly lite up the surrounding area of the church. The lights of course were all off and it looked as empty as a building not in use should look. It looked as any building should appear at two something in the morning, empty! He stood there a long time just observing the building as if he really did expect the dream to start up and he would find himself walking down the hallway toward the sanctuary. But he was awake and he knew for certain that the church was empty of humans and certainly no ghosts walked in the building. He knew for a certainty that this particular so-called ghost was nothing but imagination! He felt his fist had clenched as he thought it and slowly un-clenched. He was angry he had to admit about the whole thing. He thought the church was passed all that crap a year ago. He thought people had finally forgotten her and the problems she caused with Pastor Meyer’s daughter; Hannah seemed to be doing better after a year of Rachel being gone. He shook his head at the thought of the influence that Rachel had on the naive young lady and thinking that any kind of relationship other than a God-honoring one was acceptable. Hannah was simply caught up in the corrupting influence of Rachel and it went too far. Way too far and it was not pleasant to deal with. Hannah seemed to be doing fine now and back to her normal self. But Rachel questioned everything he preached in his youth group. No answer seemed to be good enough for her rebellious heart against the Word of God and she was told that; she simply kept on questioning. She never seemed to like any of his answers; questioned everything. Claimed she just wanted to know the truth of things but he saw it as a stubborn young girl being full of herself and it was. He stopped thinking and abruptly stared confused at the light that came on in the church; in his office actually. He stared at it as if he willed it hard enough to turn back off it would. It didn’t of course but then something human shaped stood there behind the curtain; he could see the outline of the slight form. He felt angry more than anything; he wanted to scream at the form to go back to the grave where she belonged! It just stood there. Motionless, almost formless but it was not that formless that he couldn’t see the obvious. A chill went through him, it was staring in his direction! It knew he was up and was watching the building and the turned on light because she knew he was up. He again felt his fists clench.

“Why are you still here!” He yelled, “Go where you belong!”

The light went out; so why did he still feel watched from the window? He could see nothing but darkness at the window but the feeling of dread was still there. Was dread the right word? What was he so afraid of, a light coming on for some reason and your imagination playing tricks on you Robert. It’s two in the morning, you’re tired, and just need sleep. Then why I am standing here feeling that this moment was unavoidable he thought. The dark windows, all of them it seemed, were watching him and waiting? He stood there a little longer before he noticed the movement despite the low amount of light outside of his office curtains. It or she was still there. Waiting? He didn’t believe in ghosts! Rachel was dead and gone and probably in hell for her corrupted lifestyle! And for her attempt to corrupt the pastor’s daughter to it as well. She claimed to have just become a Christian and was looking for a church; probably all lies. He inhaled as he turned from the window and decided to confront whatever or who ever it was in the building; custodian probably forgot to turn on the alarm again. Even he claimed to have seen the girl calmly walk down the hallway after he turned off the main hallway lights; a shadowy figure walking toward the north end of the church.

“Look, I know what or who I saw, it was her, Robert, it was her….” His tone was calm, rather understanding, “I wonder why she’s here…”

“She’s not here, there are no ghosts haunting this church,” Robert responded back angry, “This is getting out of hand, Peter, don’t talk to people about this anymore…”

Peter had just looked at him with a look that Robert didn’t like before responding, “She was just a kid you know….”

Robert again told him to keep his imagination to himself, “Just do as you’re told, Peter.” He stared at the man to make his point, “Ghosts are not real. Demons yes, ghosts are not real!”

“Demons?” Peter just stood there a moment in silence, almost more to himself than the annoyed man in the dark blue suit, “I wonder if she thinks she’s in purgatory of sorts.”

Not liking the comment, “There’s no such thing as purgatory, Peter, that’s a Catholic doctrine.”

“Just saying, who or whatever I saw looked lost…”

He cut him off sharply, “Just stop talking to people about it, just do your job.”

“I’m just saying maybe she’s stuck here, stuck in a kind of purgatory….” He was wasting his breath and he knew it with Robert, “Well, I know what I saw or who I saw I should say…” A demon? Peter had also thought about that answer and he didn’t like the idea as a ghost sounded a little less of a threat to the church or even himself?

The anger was there of course, “Look, Peter, this church is not haunted by a ghost. She didn’t even die here! It’s not a ghost!”

“From where I was standing and from what I saw, Robert, Rachel haunts this church for some reason…” He had an idea and her name was Hannah; rumors, gossip, and some truth was known throughout the church. “She’s looking…”

Cutting him off sharply, “Just stop talking to people about any of this, just do your job!”

Peter simply smiled, agreed, and walked away knowing full well he knew what he saw; she also seemed to be looking for something…or someone? He knew of the events of last year and wondered if the lone figure walking down the hallway was actually looking for someone. The figure wasn’t exactly solid in all aspects but it was a person and she did at some point turn her head and slightly look in his direction. That was a unpleasant moment and it felt cold the stare but not threatening. Peter didn’t like what he saw and he didn’t like the coldness of the look or even the air but it seemed she wasn’t interested in him. She walked away and slowly vanished as she walked down the hallway. He was guessing who she was looking for and it made some sense if it was Hannah. What a mess that was last year he thought philosophically, could have been worse he thought as he headed to his office. But he wasn’t going to forget that cold stare she gave him. A blank cold stare of someone not happy, a lost ghost trapped in the one place she didn’t want to be and looking for the one person who showed her love? Peter thought about it and simply wondered if that was all she wanted? There was something about the look and it wasn’t good; but he saw what he saw and Robert could deny it all he wanted, but their church was haunted! It was haunted and that may not have been the only ghost but he kept that to himself. Or a demon?

Robert still stood at his window from the upstairs room watching the church across the street; no more lights came on and off. No one seem to be watching him from behind slightly moved aside curtains. The building was quiet and empty as it should have been at two something in the morning. He refused to acknowledge that some people were seeing a ghost walking or staring at them for a few seconds before vanishing. He refused to believe that a church could be haunted. He didn’t want to believe it? He would only admit to himself his own doubts on the subject of whether the church had a very unhappy ghost walking about. Even thinking about it bothered him. Ghosts are not real! So why was it happening? Why after a year all of a sudden she’s being seen anyway? She didn’t die in the church, why was she haunting their church? Why! She died of Covid in a hospital, not in their church! He felt his fist clench. He was struggling with a thought and it was something he didn’t want to do. To do would be a contradiction to everything he was telling others, just ignore it! It will go away if you just ignore it! He knew she wasn’t going anywhere and she walked alone in that building searching for one person. It was a unholy relationship! It was a sin! The idea of a ghost walking the halls and rooms of a church wasn’t suppose to happen! He glanced away from the building and at the clock on his little table near the bed, almost three now. This was all demonic was his final thought as he felt he had to confront the thing in his church. Whatever it was it wasn’t the girl from last year who seduced the pastor’s daughter. This was something else and it had to be removed! Forced out! It was unholy! He glanced back at the church. And he saw it again at the window of his office. Curtains open and just enough of the figure could be seen and what he saw made him feel sick, cold, and it was staring at him with empty eyes. It was smiling! He could see the faint outline of a smile. And it just stood there and it seemed to be mocking him with that smile.

He bolted from the room and toward the church.

The church was cold, silent, and he didn’t like the silence at all. Too much like the dream? He forced himself to walk sown the main long hallway that was dimly lite by the lite that was always on. He fought off his mind trying to give him the feeling he was being watched. It was an empty building, Robert, a very empty building! There are no ghosts! He was fighting himself because he was lying to himself and he knew it. There was something very wrong walking his church and it knew he was there. It or she taunted him. Invaded his dreams. It demanded to be confronted? He stopped walking when he heard the sound; he felt the pit of his stomach tighten. Just stop it, Robert, just stop it! But you said it might be a demon, Robert, you said that, and you do believe in them don’t you? The voice was accusing. You believe in demons but not ghosts? You saw the figure in the window, Robert, you saw her standing there in the shadows and it was smiling. Do demons smile? Ghosts may smile but do demons smile? Dumb thought, Robert! It’s evil! The Devil smiled at the moment Eve and Adam ate of the apple I am sure; the thought came and went but slowly. He heard the sound down the hallway which made him stop suddenly and feel foolish about his reaction to an empty building; empty buildings made noises? Well, the boiler was certainly made clanking and sometimes odd sounds when it was on. Was it on? He was rationalizing and he knew it. He really had no idea what he was going to do once he got to the foyer as that seemed to be the impulse he had. Or was that fear? Fear of what? A ghost? He was standing in the middle of the long hallway knowing full well he was trying to convince himself he was confronting the real problem; nothing but over-worked imaginations. The sound was there again and it was coming from the foyer and it sounded like a person running? He studied the long hallway and it was of course darker at that end as there were no lights on in the foyer; only the hallway was lite. The building was never actually all dark. He continued to stand there feeling foolish. It happened too fast but he saw the movement as a dark blur at the foyer interest; he felt the sudden chill of the very brief movement that seemed quite real and knew he was coming? He still didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to move! This was foolish he heard his voice that was shaking. He saw his breath as he spoke.

“Why is it so damn cold!” He asked himself, “It’s July, why is it so cold in this building….” He found himself walking on and heard the low voice somewhere, “It’s always cold for the dead….in purgatory it’s always cold….” Where had he heard that before and why would he remember it in the first place. He felt the strange feeling again of dread, of something he had felt before? He was feeling unbalanced as he approached the foyer. Something was very wrong he told himself as he entered the foyer. Something was very wrong he told himself; his confusion continued to grow worse like he had been here or at this moment before? The darkness of the foyer seemed to be pulsating, breathing, engulfing him? Something was very wrong. This was all wrong he heard the voice in his head scream; another voice lightly laughed.

“It’s always cold in purgatory, Pastor Robert…” She smiled as he started to scream, “You’ve been here a while….”

Pastor Meyer studied the photograph feeling that it had to be a mistake. It had to be an older photograph but he knew it wasn’t as the date was of the group shot that James, his older son, had taken at the Men’s Breakfasts last month was clearly marked. Someone in the picture didn’t belong there. It was him and even Pastor Meyer knew that. He had been found dead in the sanctuary of a apparent heart attack but what he was doing in the church so early in the morning was a mystery that was never solved. Granted for a couple of weeks before his death he had been acting strange, something was bothering him that was for sure.

“Well, Dad?” Asked James Meyer with a look in his voice that he didn’t like it as much as the old man didn’t like it, “You do see him, standing behind everyone, that’s….”

Cutting him off sharply but not meaning to, “James…” Looking at his son, “You can erase the image from the photo can’t you, just erase it.”

“Yes, I can do that, Dad, but that’s not going to erase that figure in the back…”

Again the sharp interruption, “James, are there other photo’s taken?”

“Well, yes, I took a few others.”

“Then use those and destroy that one.”

“But, Dad, that’s Robert Johnson, he’s been dead for three years! What’s he doing there?”

Pastor Thomas Meyer just stared at his son as he handed back the photo, the look and tone said it all, “Just destroy it, James.”

James slowly took the photo and wanted to protest but he knew better to protest with his father, “Yes, Dad….” He started to walk away with a comment, “It’s cold in your office…boiler’s down?”

Pastor Meyer frowned, “Hadn’t noticed the cold till now….” He didn’t look at his son as he returned to next Sunday’s sermon, “Just destroy the photo, James.”

James left the room and walked down the short hallway looking at the picture with a unpleasant feeling about what showed and what he was being told to do. He didn’t want to do it but then again it was never a good idea to go against his father. Besides, he understood his father’s mood about the photograph and what it meant for the church that he preached in; church’s don’t have ghosts! He looked away from the photograph and entered his office and closed the door and walked to his desk and tossed the picture unto it. He sat heavily in the chair with his eyes closed. After a few seconds of trying to rationalize what he was about to do as a good thing he opened the top drawer of his desk and looked at the other photograph. He felt the chill again but he continued to stare at the other photo. It had been taken a few weeks ago at the youth choir singing for the church.

A lone girl stood behind the kids with empty dark eyes as if she knew she was having her picture taken and the smile was all wrong; very, very wrong. But of course he knew who it was and it was one of the main reason’s he didn’t tell his father; not a good idea to bring up certain things about the the girl or her involvment with Hannah, his niece. In fact Hannah was just not brought up at all. She was no longer part of the church and had left as soon as she could. The truth was, as she told James, she wasn’t as naive as her dad liked to think she was about Rachel; not at all. James studied the face in the photo despite the unsettling part of the eyes and smile. The two of them had indeed had a relationship and it was no one sided affair of two teenage girls exploring their sexuality. It was more complicated than that and he knew it; Hannah was simply acting like a normal kid as far as she was concerned. She liked Rachel and Rachel liked her and that was that and what finally occurred was going to happen no matter what her father preached against. Except when they were found out her father simply refused to believe that Hannah wasn’t a victim of the predatory behavior of a sexually perverse individual. It was complicated he told himself as he tossed the photo on top of the other one on the desk. He understood why his father acted and did what he did and why he forced Hannah to stop seeing Rachel even when she was hospitalized. Pastor Mayer was protecting his daughter, his church, and standing for what he believed in; but James and a few others questioned if he had gone too far? Hannah was forbidden to see Rachel. That was the beginning that became the breaking point between the two of them. Hannah simply refused to listen and visited the dying girl. The final break was when Rachel died alone and Hannah simply stopped talking to her father; and hadn’t done so in a few years since she left the church. So, yes, James told himself with some justification, it was best not to show him the other photo. He didn’t bring up his niece to his father for a reason and that was one of a few. He glanced over at the photo and felt the odd chill in the room; the boiler was probably having issues again as it usually did when it was first being used in the late Fall. If Rachel was expecting to find her Hannah she had a long wait because Hannah was not coming back; he felt a twinge of sadness at that thought.

He sighed heavily, “Church’s aren’t suppose to be haunted….” He reached over to the photo’s and dragged them into the open drawer and then closed it. “…But this one is, why are we haunted?” He looked about the room and felt the urge to say it, he felt the urge to say something, “She’s not coming back, Rachel….she’s gone.”

The cold chill seemed to not like the answer; because she didn’t.